I now realize that the cackle I kept hearing yesterday was coming from Janice Min and the clever folks at US Weekly. Nevermind that they f&cked up Jennifer Garner’s due date! Never mind that they were frauded by the fake Brad Pitt last Spring and have chosen to conveniently forget about April Florio! In the face of too many Simpson denials, US Weekly has found vindication and at this point - is anyone really surprised? As you must all know by now, Nick and Jessica released a joint statement to US Weekly last night that they have separated. We have all been asked to respect their privacy and sympathise with them during this difficult time, which is kinda funny because something tells me Nick isn’t exactly grieving this Thanksgiving, if you know what I mean.
As I reported last month, the push to see this over and done with came from Nick. He’s been fed up with her sh*t for months. And, ever mindful of the importance of timing in Hollywood, it’s actually a better career move for him right now to be single and available and no longer attached to that big mouth and her insufferable father. Even as we speak, I hear that Team Lachey is repackaging their product and you can expect a new player on the scene in the coming months - complete with wet and wild club visits, flanked by a new posse of p*ssy hunters, and perhaps even a high profile fling with a member of the Hollywood Slut Brigade, just to throw some Jackass back in Jessie’s face.
Unfortunately for Jessica, things aren’t looking so swell. A large majority of her fan base remains mired in the illusion that she is still a sweet girl, happily married and devoted to her husband, which in turn made her sexy as opposed to slutty, unlike her blonde Hollywood counterparts. Hard to believe for you and me…but if you recall my encounter with those 2 hockey whores a few weeks ago, there are many, many people out there who piddle around in kindergarten level gossip and cannot see through the fraud. Now that her marriage has crumbled, after so many denials, even the most hardcore Simpson supporters will be hardpressed to deny what has been hinted at for the past year. The “happy”, the trailer activity with Johnny Knoxville, the finger action with Cacee and other big lipped Hollwood starlets (ahhh…is there a blind item in there??) – tell me, who is coming out of this relationship on the loser end?
According to my sources, the Simpsons desperately tried to hold on to this marriage for as long as they could because when you think about it – if she’s single, what really sets her apart from Paris and Lindsay and Hilary and every other two bit crack ho running around town? The market is saturated with sluts and if she really wants to chart her own course, her father has some serious work ahead of him. Which is why poor Jessie is currently hunkered down in Waco strategizing her next move. And let’s pray they can come up with something more imaginative this time. Enough with the sugar sweet kisses and dessert bullsh*t. If you ask me, I’d totally fire her creepy dad and push for an immediate public hook up with Johnny Knoxville. It’s bold, it will keep both of them in the tabloids for weeks, and while it will certainly turn off the judgmental, right wing, paranoid, housewives of middle America, it will also serve as an announcement that this is a strong, sensual, passionate woman who wants what she wants and gets what she wants. Bring out your inner whore, Jessica. We can’t wait to see the real you.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
