"Matching cheekbones, matching blow" reveal


New photos of Keira and Rupert.

Not a fan of her jaw line or the ridiculous pout but wow - from this angle, it's gorgessity.

Glasses, very little makeup, hair unstyled, but that bone structure, those cheekbones...it's the best I've ever seen Keira Knightley.

Rare the celebrity who looks better un-glossed and de-glammed. Have to tell you I'm super surprised Keira is one of them. Pleasantly.

If Lindsay Lohan wants an Oscar, it really wouldn't hurt to study K's resumé...savvy?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Matching pucker, matching hats, matching clavicles, step for step...Give me a f&cking break. I mean really…do people really walk around like this? And is it me or does her boyfriend freak you out? Can't put my finger on it but I'm seeing snakes and evil pimps from the 70s with a little bit o' Pete Doherty junkie smack thrown in for good measure.

Now you know I'm not her biggest fan but Ms Knightley could do way better, savvy?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


So there's chiseled and then there's just Marc Anthony. And in his case, I'm afraid we're leaning toward the vampire variety. Here are Keira and her boyfriend, Rupert the-guy-who-was-in-Pride-&-Prejudice-with-her-and-I-don't-care-enough-to-remember-his-name, out for an evening of boozing in London the other night. Here they are again on a casual stroll the same weekend. Although I'm assuming it's the same dude, he seems really really different in the daylight shots. Hideously so. Like 70s porn star player pimp. Yeah - I'd totally do him.

Anyway, I hear they are completely taken with each other. And that she can barely stand to be away from him. I also hear that they like to indulge. And what else do you think rich famous 20 year olds like to indulge in? Thing is - Keira seems to be able to hold her sh*t together in spite of the wildness. Unlike my girl Lindsay who looks a year older every time she nails a new guy.

As for Keira's club ensemble? I'm all over the 80s and hey - I can even accept the granny jumper/leotard thing because there's something about being young in London that gives you carte blanche to experiment. But I draw the line at tights and open toe shoes. Quite possibly The.Most.Unforgiveable fashion crime known to women and gays everywhere. Bad form Keira. Bad form.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


I am going to guess Matthew McConnaughey is the actor who came on strong. Please tell me I'm wrong so I can assure my husband Mathew is not gay! ha ha!

Dear Michelle:

It's not Matthew, although the gay rumours about Mr. Texas continue to swirl. I'm happy to tell you however that I think his sweat looks yummy and I personally believe that if I were to have the pleasure of tasting it, it would have a distinct hetero flavour.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Ok, so I am new to this whole 'you give a clue, i must guess' thing. I'm really thinking that the week after you post these, you should post the answers. Bc its killing me! So my friend informed me that I have to email you in order to get the answers. I mean, really, who isn't gay in hollywood, but ok here goes nothing. I'm guessing the A-lister is Heath Ledger, geez I have no clue.

Dear Ashley:

Definitely NOT Heath. In fact, after this awards season, Heath might become even more celebrated than the A-lister in question whose mantel ornaments don't amount to much.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Ummm – thinking Kevin Spacey and … frankly at a loss for the b-lister.

Dear Sarah:

Think younger, and much less showy. No Broadway attempts for this fellow. As for Kevin Spacey being gay??? You don't say!!!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


Man, does this girl ever have her share of skeletons. We’re going back a little while but I guess some things never change. And it’s especially shocking considering that she doesn’t exactly have to beg for professional attention.

On the set. She’s lonely. She’s desperate. She’s had a particularly bad day of shooting. And so she needs a pick me up. A certain married crew member has caught her eye. And he has shunned her every attempt at flirtation, even though the Mrs. is far, far away. On this occasion however, the actress was particularly persuasive. And if you are prudish – you do NOT want to read the next part. Consider yourself warned.

Come on, she said, you don’t have to touch me. Just let me go down on you, baby. Please. Please let me just taste you. Shocker of shockers - Can you believe he turned her away???

One guess. You know the drill. Good luck. And it’s NOT as easy as you think.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

A lower low


You’d assume she’d have the married man fired for his rejection…right? Well actually, she didn’t. It intrigued her, it only increased her fancy. And so she continued to proposition him with more and more outrageous offers. Now here’s the one that almost broke him – CAUTION NOT FOR THE PRUDISH. I have a friend, she said. A girl friend. She’ll come with me and you can have us both. From any direction.

I’m not going to lie, gossips. He was very, very tempted. But since he was already gettin’ it pretty good from a cute little blonde extra without the baggage, he actually passed. The star was apparently unfazed. She didn’t hold a grudge and she wasn’t upset. But she persisted, every single day, until the end of the shoot.

And it’s not any one of the Desperate Housewives. One guess. Good luck.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Update (4/29/08):
clue 1
clue 2a
clue 2b
denial: Jennifer Love Hewitt
reveal 1
reveal 2
reveal 3


OK, first, a guess on an old blind item. I couldn't find it in your archives and don't even know if you'll still answer, but it was about a couple who started on drugs to stay slim?...was it the now-defunct Brad and Jen?

Dear Laura:

It's not the ex Pitts. This couple is still together. Right now, more than ever.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Right off the bat, I have to say it is Pam Anderson.

Dear Glenn:

Less silicone and slightly more class. And much more haute couture.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Is it Jamie Lee Curtis? I don’t even know if she’s single these days, but other than the tragedy that was “Christmas with the Kranks”, she has always been super hot for her age. (BTW - Did you see her in that movie? I only rented it because there was nothing else available I swear, but she was heinous) Anyway, just a stab in the dark.

Dear Heather:

The body might be there but the face doesn't match. The person you want has beauty evenly distributed between her face and her physique.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Ok, for the Blind Item 'a thick skin', I have to guess Halle Berry. Gorgeous, single, and a little bit crazy?

Dear Nancy:

Halle's still in her prime, wouldn't you say? While this girl is probably just a couple of years past the peak of her profession. Besides, Halle's a bit less statuesque than the girl I'm talking about.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

so i just have the a-lister guess: tobey maguire? he's into the hollywood clubs, he's pretty, he's a true thespian, he has been rumored to be gay, has been involved in award-winning prestige projects...?? as for the b-lister, i'm not entirely sure what you would consider b-list...would you consider keanu reeves b-list? chad michael murray? or are they a-list? that would help.

Dear Becky:

Tobey is not gay. He's just very short with a high pitched voice. He also addicted to poker and trying to lose weight for Spidey. Very few gay men I know would let themselves go the way he has. So the answer is no, it's not Tobey. As for what defines B List. Keanu is A list. Keanu makes over $10 million/movie. I'd say that's pretty elite. Chad Michael Murray on the other hand is C-list. And while this is sure to generate some teenybopper hate, anyone on a WB show is B list at best.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

I am guessing for the blind item that the super-hussey is Nicolette Sheridan. Even if it isn't, it feels good to call her a super-hussey! HAHA. Cheers and Happy New Year! P.S. I am very excited Angelina is pregnant. Now we can see if they are going to have the most beautiful human to ever exist or if they are going to spawn the anti-christ. Time will tell.

Dear Jeff:

Don't be discouraged. Many others were thrown off by the word 'desperate' and pointed towards Nicolette. However, it's not her. Think of someone around the same age but who looks much less like a tranny.

As for your excitement about Angelina's pregnancy, I'm so happy to hear that. I was starting to believe that the only people who read my column are racist Aniston freaks and psychos, praying for a miscarriage and wishing ill on their new multi-cultural family. Thank Goddess for sane, well adjusted people like you.

Sunday, January 15, 2006



I'm going to go out into Royalty land and guess Jane Fonda. She was revered for her looks and body at one time, right?

Dear Jackie:

She was indeed revered for her looks and her body but I wouldn't say she inspires any erections these days. And while the girl in question is no spring chicken any more, she'd still put most people to shame with her bikini bum.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


Hey Lainey, I’ve just had a brain wave, is Abusing The Help Jessica Simpson?

Dear Kate:

I don't doubt she drives her minions to drink…but the dirty girl who ashes everywhere and deposits her bulimic waste randomly about the house is not Jessica Simpson. The culprit in question is still married, and just a wee lower profile. Try a different age range too. Jessie's probably about a decade younger.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


I was thinking about Jake G. for the rebuffer in your Gaydar blind item and Ian Bohen (tee hee young Hercules) for the rebuffed... what do you think? (please tell Vancouver I miss her... I'm in snowy Ontario!!!)

Dear Tara:

I can see why you'd think it would be Jake. After all, the poor boy has been battling homo whispers all year. However, I can tell you for certain that while Jake may or may not be Toothy Tile, he most certainly is not one half of Gaydar Interrupted. Our man has a tiny bit more clout. As for Ian Bohen - never even heard of him. But my Hercules reference last week was more physically, as opposed to professionally, descriptive. Does that make sense?

Snowy Ontario? Frick. I'll take my hometown Toronto snow any day over the disgusting 25+ days of rain we're getting here in Vancouver. Trust me, honey, you ain't missin' much.

Sunday, January 15, 2006



The gaydar A-lister must be Arnold Shwarzenegger. But I'm at a loss for the B-lister. I want to say Mike Meyers or Eddie Murphy, but they're not exactly what I'd call 'thespians'. John Lithgow is too old. Antonio Banderas? Please, do tell.

Dear Sharon:

Definitely NOT Arnold. But probably more politically astute. As for the B-lister... none of the above. Everyone you listed is head and shoulders in rank above this greasy beefcake, although Antonio might be your closest guess, geographically speaking.

Sunday, January 15, 2006



Could the answer to this blind item be Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom? We certainly have been painted a picture of fairy tale (read: bullsh*t) romance with these two. Going by recent pictures, baby girl is looking *rough,* and Orlando hasn't exactly been acting like boyfriend of the year. You can't come down on him too hard, though. He really seems like a nice guy, and the only one who can help Kate is Kate if she's that messed up.

Dear Sarc:

I like the guess. I can see why you've been led astray. And while there are certainly many skeletons behind Kate and Orly's relationship, there are even more behind the mystery couple you're asking about.

Friday, January 20, 2006



This totally sounds like Sean Young. Beautiful, and crazy as hell tho I havent seen her recently so... But thats my guess or even better.......Kim Basinger? But I dont know how haute couture KB is.

Dear Sadiqa:

Much respect for even knowing who Sean Young is! Sean's definitely loopy but certainly not widely praised for her physical attributes. No to Kim as well, although there may be similarities in the early part of her career.

Friday, January 20, 2006


Sean Penn and Robin Wright

(for Clinging to Love )? And just out of curiosity – why has your lover changed his name from Leaf to Joaquin?

Dear Robin:

It's not Sean and Robin. Although Mr Insensitive is generally well regarded in the industry, he hardly has the respect of an Oscar winner like Sean. Think a little younger…at least on her end.

Friday, January 20, 2006


Abusing the help, I’m guessing Courtney Cox Arquette (I have no support for this, just a hunch)

Dear Stella:

Courteney is not the belle in question. Mrs. Arquette is actually a clean freak and she'd never contaminate her house the way dirty girl does.

Friday, January 20, 2006


Clinging to love has to be Jennifer Lopez, she has sacrificed a lot to be with that little ferret-corpse!!

Dear Lucy,

It's not La Lopez. I'd say the looks in this relationship are much more evenly distributed.

Monday, January 23, 2006



Anyway - I wanted to throw out my guess for the actress who is clinging to love. Julia Roberts and Danny Moder? Ages ago I read an ex of hers say how needy and attention-seeking she was. And I hear they're having problems. It all seems to fit.

Dear Lucy,

Definitely not. Julia holds much of the power in her relationship, whereas this young one is much less self assured, no matter how many similarities there may be.

Monday, January 23, 2006

could it be....Jennifer Garner and Ben affleck? also a question, if you don't reply to the email does it mean that i am right or does it mean that you haven't gotten round to replying?!?!?!?!

Dear Jacqui,

Sorry, it's not Jen and Ben. Think less married. And much less universally accepted. And no, it doesn't mean you're right if I don't answer. Although I do promise to try.

Monday, January 23, 2006


This has us all in a frenzy of anticipation to know who. The current brainstorming consensus is: Jude Law and Toby McGuire. Please put us out of our misery.

Dear Bratboy,

No for both, but now that I think of it, there's a rather weird connection between A and B and vice versa.

Monday, January 23, 2006


My gaydar is telling me that The Rock is out B-list star!!!! Tell me I'm right!

Dear Brandy,

I'm afraid not. The Rock is no gibroni. Getting dissed in a Hollywood night club by a pontificating little pip? Not on your candy-assed life!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Is it Christie Brinkley?

Dear Jon:

No but that's the closest guess so far.

Monday, January 23, 2006


Yes yes yes, I think I've finally got it after way too many hours pondering... is Sandra Bullock the Abusing the Help person? Please tell me I'm right, I don't think I can stand it any longer!!!

Dear Lise,

Sorry. It's not Sandra. While Sandra burps and farts in public, she's reportly quite the considerate and caring lady in private. On the contrary, our Dirty Girl hides her shameful filth behind some wellschooled airs.

Monday, January 23, 2006


How about Uma Thurman for the Thick Skinned beauty?

Dear Pamela,

Great guess. It certainly fits quite nicely, except that Ms. Thurman has a much healthier ego than our girl. And while she pretends she's crazy, Uma is as far from loopy as it gets.

Monday, January 23, 2006


I finally got one....

giving bad advice is Reese and Ryan!!!!

Dear Kristal,

It's not the Witherspoons. Reese is much, much, much too much of a toit ass to rely on chemical intervention to shed a few pounds. Think of someone more plastic. And a husband who is even more in the background than Ryan.

Monday, January 23, 2006


Lainey is thick skin Kim Cattrall?

Dear Ange,

Nope. Kim's aggressive approaches are hardly newsworthy. Besides, as sexy as she is, I don't know if Kim would be considered an international beauty.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Wondering if it could be Colin Farrell for the A list. Stumped on the B List. Have thought of and dismissed Brendan Fraser and Jared Leto.

Dear Guy,

It's not Colin. Colin would hardly be a surprise, would it? Mr. A List's resume is much cleaner than the Leprechaun's. As for Brendan and Jared…way off. Not beefy enough. Or greasy. Or continental.

Monday, January 23, 2006


And just to answer all the emails that have recently poured in about Gaydar Interrupted - it's NOT Vin Diesel or Kevin Spacey.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Is it Pamela Anderson? She is a definite famewhore with lots of legal problems and what a sex life!!!! If you watch her on Stacked, she always has these nipples sticking out. I often point them out to my husband because they seem so TINY compared to the size of her boobs. I also get a kick out of where they actually sit....one is at 2 o'clock and one is at 9:30.

Dear Barbara,

Very astute observation. I'll have to look much closer next time. Would you believe that Pam's actually even LESS of a star than the girl with the nipple injections? You need someone younger and fresher. With not so many gangbangs under her belt.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Is Elizabeth Hurley our desperate , past her prime gal who’s trying some risky pick ups at parties?

Dear Erin,

Although I wouldn't put this kind of move past Liz if she was single, she's actually been tied up for the last couple of years with Arun Nayer, a jetsetter with loads of cash and a very pissy ex wife. Not a bad guess though, and there are certainly many similarities including but not limited to the fantastic body, the age, and the profession.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

nipple-injected blind item.... Kate Moss?

Dear Rachel,

I'm sure she's injected her fair share of stimulating substances, but when it comes to her cherries, she's not the one you want. Besides, Kate Moss is a style goddess whereas our nipply famewhore is merely a style wannabe.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

i have a guess to clinging to love. is it horse face and matthew broderick?? also gaydar guess. i emailed about a week ago guessing colin farrel. now i'm guessing wilmer valderama. am i close?? when are you going to let us know?? i spend too much time thinking about these things during the day.

Dear Theodora,

Definitely not Dandy Pants and the big ass witch boil he calls his wife. Mr. Insensitive has certainly been pretty but going in to Matthew's territory is another matter entirely. As for Colin and Wilmer. No and no. Colin is much too Miami these days to qualify and Wilmer, while b-list at best, has oddly enough never to my knowledge been the subject of any gay rumours.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Is it Rebecca Romijn and that loser Jerry O'Connell? I hope not, because he's the biggest piece of crap actor out there with nothing to back up his terribly large ego.

Dear Kelly,

I wholeheartedly agree. John Stamos might be b-list but he is adorable, and I have no idea why that woman demeaned herself by dating so far beneath her. Rest assured therefore that the pathetic girl in question is NOT Rebecca. On the contrary, think of someone who is, much as I hate to admit it, a real actor. And not just a long pair of legs pretending to be.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Tell Me... Is it Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas? He has the bad rep and even after all this time, I still don't get it.. why she even chose him! No matter, I'm still eternally thankful that she didn't fall for Mr Greasy Face himself, la Antonio! Dying to know.

Dear Tasia,

Definitely not. Believe me, it's Zeta who holds the power in that relationship. Trust me, she's not the one clinging. Especially when her man is in and out of the surgeon's office desperately trying to keep up. Think of a less established ingenue who has yet to develop the self confidence or the overbearing sense of entitlement that Catherine so obnoxiously exudes.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Any chance giving bad advice is Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro?

Dear Heidi:

No, but minus a few tattoos and I can see a very strong similarity.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Has to be my BFF Sienna Miller. At least God I hope so. If this gets out maybe she will just go away. I mean really, who dosen't know Hayden C. is a true friend of Dorothy?

Dear Veronica,

Sienna doesn't use her needles for her nipples. It's not her. While we're here though, we might as well talk about your Hayden/Friend of Dorothy suggestion. Like you, I have heard loud, loud rumours. Haven't we all? 8 months ago, I was planted on the queer side, firm and solid. But as I said before, I switched some time last summer after watching a scene from Life as a House in which, oddly enough, he plays a sexually ambiguous teenage boy.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Is anything for attention Kirsten Dunst?

Dear Kersti,

Kiki doesn't chase attention. At least not as much as she chases other things. No, Kiki's not your girl. Kiki is vain in a more fringe/off kilter corner whereas Ms. Nipply's vanity runs a mainstream wave. And while we're at it, Kiki is actually a bonafide movie star while the other one…not so much.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

'Anything for attention': Is it Anna Nicole Smith??? She's definitely had the court/legal battles, professional feuds (um, Howard Stern comes to mind possibly), and she is a TOTAL hound for media attention... and given her surgical history I doubt she'd be one to turn down any sort of breast-related enhancement... Am I way off?

Dear Tori:

Way off. Although our famewhore isn't destined for much beyond her current status, she's still much higher on the food chain than the beloved trainwreck known as Anna Nicole Smith.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Is this dirty girl Jennifer Aniston?

Dear Cyndi,

Pains me to say no, but no. Absolutely not. While Jennifer Aniston is certainly not gracious to the minions, her rudeness is a tad more subtle than the abuser. Focus on someone who is a constant and repeat offender, at home and away from home.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Demi Moore? the heart throb stealing milf is finally realizing he's out of her league…

Dear Head Groupie,

WAY off. Sorry. If anything, Ashton’s devotion to his preternaturally preserved bride is stronger than ever. Spend more time looking for an opposite in age discrepancy. And much less Kabbalist influence while we’re at it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Is (clinging to love) either Heath Ledger and his lady?

Dear Doris,

While it would certainly seem like Michelle can’t let go of Heath, they seem to be pretty solid these days by all accounts. Then again, it IS awards season so I guess that doesn’t mean much does it? Still, I think their love is pure. And it has produced a lovely little lady. While the couple you’re thinking of have much less to be proud of both, if anything at all. Thankfully they haven’t thrown a child into the theatric mix…yet.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I think the thick skin item is tyra banks, non? She's proved she's past her prime with that hideous talk show. Oprah she ain't!

Dear Bonnie,

Another very, very good guess. The difference being that Tyra’s probably lost a step on the runway whereas this girl could still pull it off, no problem.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Is it Kate Hudson (who abuses the help)?

Dear Cathy,

It’s definitely not Kate who does smoke but who certainly doesn’t leave a trail of ashes behind. Very similar though in terms of connections. I can totally see a parallel network here.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Is Geena Davis still married? If not, I guess that Thick Skin is about her.

Dear Nadia,

Geena is indeed still married. She also still doesn’t know how to dress herself which is thankfully not a problem shared by the beauty you’re looking for.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Its got to be B-lister ....Julio Iglesias...or maybe his son Enrique???? Thanks. Just a guess.

Dear Kym,

As far as I know, only straight blood runs between father and son and while it certainly wouldn’t surprise me if Enrique’s had a homo encounter now and again, he’s definitely not the aggressive b-lister in question. Think of someone who lands between the two Latin studs in age and someone with much more grease and oil and professional clunkers (yes, it’s possible) than either of the Iglesias men.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I am guessing SJP as the dirty girl who ashes around the house and drives the help to reach for the booze. Oui ou Non? As for one half of the gaydar duo my guess is Russell Crowe. He is one dude who flies off the handle at anything and I think its because he can't figure out what to do about how much he luvs the back end…

Dear Liz,

Still chuckling about the back end. Love it! Unfortunately you're way off on both counts. Much as I can't stand her baby voice and boil, SJP likens herself a real lady. Please and thank you and Sir and Ma'am all the way. The abuser however has surprisingly less etiquette than you'd think, especially for someone groomed in that fashion. As for Russell. No, no, no. If someone with a penis hit on Russell, he wouldn't just tell a publicist about it, he's beat the bitch down with a cell phone! Think of someone less inclined for violence, more peace loving, in every sense of the word.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Victoria Beckham and her eating disorder is not cool. I love all your other opinions.

Dear Meredyth,

I fully acknowledge my sick obsession. It is indeed an illness I can't seem to overcome, perhaps because it's a parallel affliction that mirrors Victoria's special vices. Having said that, we all need our guilty pleasures. Will you forgive me mine?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


On the outside, all her glossy beauty seems completely natural. And you wouldn’t think she’d need so much enhancement at her age but hey, the girl started early. Regular visits every 2 months, she understands the importance of jumping on problems before they become problems. Now that’s been going on for years. The weight control however is a rather recent development.

Don’t get me wrong. Her body is pretty tight. But she wants to shave it down to anorexic proportions and the extra 10 just won’t come off. So her partner suggested the magic happy diet formula. It’s white, it’s fine, it gives you confidence, and takes away your appetite. Brilliant, non? The problem is that the pounds weren’t dropping quite as quickly as she wanted them to be. And so she upped her take. Which has resulted in a rather voracious and seemingly incessant appetite for the sh*t. To the point where her man has started weaning her off…with disastrous consequences. They are now quietly seeking professional help and he is absolutely despondent over the fact that he led her into this mess in the first place.

One guess. And given the sheer volume of emails I’ve been getting, may I suggest pooling your guesses into one message? Otherwise, it might take days for me to answer. Good luck!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Giving Bad Advice - Part 2


I know I don’t have to tell you this but withdrawal symptoms can be a bitch. Our girl showed up at a photo shoot recently, under the careful supervision of the husband, and proceeded to binge her way through several orders of burgers and shakes. Naturally, she felt guilty afterwards so she disappeared into the bathroom for an eternity. When she emerged, she had wrecked her makeup, which meant it had to be reapplied. Which meant a huge delay. Which meant that everyone had to stand around waiting for her. And the longer the day went, the more she craved her fix, and the crankier she became. So when a nice young lady brought her a cup of coffee, she picked it up and threw it across the room, splashing it all over an 8,000 designer gown on loan to the magazine. Needless to say, she had to pay for it out of her own pocket and worse yet, she has to kiss some serious ass now to ensure that the photos stay in the publication.

One more guess. And it’s not Kate Hudson or Jessica Simpson.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Update (12/19/09):


Is Giving Bad Advice Gavin and Gwen? Oh Sweet Jesus let me get one right.

Dear Ryan,

Sorry to disappoint you. It's absolutely not them. Gwen is much more instinctively fashionable whereas this little tart has to try much harder for style recognition and, to be honest, anything beyond ordinary to begin with.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Tara Reid for wants attention?

Dear Emily,

It's not Tara. Think of someone with a much subtler enhancement and not dragging rock bottom. In fact, the girl you're looking for has success by association which is light years ahead of Tara and her ghetto tits.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006



I was wondering if 'clinging to love' is Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr?

Dear Maureen,

While your smutty instincts are definitely onto something, your direction is a bit off. Sarah and Freddie may have their own illicit pleasures, but when it comes to their love it is legit…for now.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Speaking of trannies... here's Cam, from Dlisted And no, before you ask, Cameron Diaz is NOT the subject of that particular blind item you're thinking of. Cam is in London, filming with Jude Law and Kate Winslet. She is far, far away from her boy and as strange as this sounds, Ms D is rumoured to be uncharacteristically insecure, calling Justin incessantly, demanding to know where he is and who he's with at all times. While this would certainly be a turnoff for most guys, my sources are reporting that JT doesn't mind. He likes the fact that he's conquered his beloved and he's even more thrilled that he's been the first to turn her towards marriage, something no other man has been able to do. Love is truly blind, gossips. Because my sources are telling me that despite the fact that Cam's face is just a shade less dog than Fergie, Justin continues to see her for what she was 10 years ago. So no wonder she's clingy. Wouldn't any hermy hang on to the only person alive who can't see the penis dangling outside of her cooch?

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Okay, is it (abusing the help) Demi Moore? Isn't she notorious for being demanding... 'Gimme Moore' is/was her nickname...and around the 'dry thin lips' I see lines from maybe smoking? Her hubby is much younger... Throw me a lifeline, I'm drowning here!!!

Dear Erin,

You might be confusing riddles. The abuser has a husband but he’s not necessarily much younger. And while Demi might be demanding, she certainly has never been known to be a f*cking pig, which is the budding reputation this lady seems to be developing. Focus on someone with a more slovenly history. And NOT Britney.

Monday, February 13, 2006


Maybe i'm reading into things too much. But you mentioned on feb 7th in your winona piece something alluding to the fact that maybe Joseph Fiennes is not interested in the ladies....could said guy be the blister???

Dear Michelle,

Although there is intense speculation that Joe Fiennes cruises with the Gay Midget Dwarf, he is not the subject of the riddle. In fact, he’s much too talented and much too lean to be considered. Think of someone who would never, ever, ever be considered for the Bard. And I mean NEVER.

Monday, February 13, 2006

There are 2 subjects to this riddle. Both are famous, one more so than the other, and both are actors. One is recognized for award winning prestige projects. The other – umm….not so much. But he does have brawn. And while I don’t appreciate the shoot ‘em up, beat ‘em up genre, there is certainly a market for it. Unfortunately for his legion of female admirers, he prefers sex of the homo variety. And he’s looking for a boyfriend.

For his part, the true thespian has battled gay suspicions for years. I’ve heard it incessantly but I can’t confirm it. Oddly enough, no one in Hollywood knows for sure either. So it’s no surprise that his less talented counterpart decided to hit on him one night recently at a party. And my man came on STRONG. Bad move. Too many people around and not the right approach. He was completely rebuffed. With a room full of witnesses. And it gets worse. The next day, one publicist called the other and issued a stern warning and they also came to an agreement to make sure their clients never cross paths again. And since one dude is clearly more connected than the other, I can assure you that Mr B list was rebuked and ridiculed around town so much that he had to lay low for a while before venturing out in public once again.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Update (3/31/08):
denial 1: Vin Diesel & Tom Cruise
denial 2: Matthew McConaughey
denial 3: Heath Ledger
denial 4: Kevin Spacey
denial 5: Tobey Maguire & Keanu Reeves
denial 6: Jake Gyllenhaal
denial 7: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Antonio Banderas
denial 8: Jude Law & Tobey Maguire
denial 9: Dwayne Johnson (The Rock)
denial 10: Colin Farrell, Brendan Fraser & Jared Leto
denial 11: Vin Diesel & Kevin Spacey
denial 12: Colin Farrell & Wilmer Valderama
denial 13: Julio & Enrique Iglesias
denial 14: Russell Crowe
denial 15: Joseph Fiennes
A-list reveal
B-list reveal


I'm sitting here watching 'my name is earl' (gotta love jason lee) and Christine Taylor (aka. Mrs. Ben Stiller) is guest starring as a college professer. And let me tell you, I barely recognize her. She has gotten SO much skinnier, it's kind of shocking. She was always a thin actress but her face is looking gaunt-ish. i wish i could find a picture of her from recent because this is surprising. But just wanted to get your opinion.

Dear Becca,

You’re not the only one who’s noticed. And if Mrs Stiller was a bigger star, she’d certainly get much more tabloid space for her alarming post-pregnancy weight loss. Both times. No joke, Christine loses the baby weight in, like, less than 2 weeks. Very suspect and perhaps a tragic play for attention. What’s even more pathetic though is that no one really gives a sh*t. Poor thing. Thank Goddess she married well, non?

Monday, February 13, 2006


Is Avril Lavigne 'She can't finish'?

Dear Becky,

Definitely not. Avril may be a punk but she’s far from degenerate…so far. Besides, Derryk doesn’t do the locker room social, unlike the boyfriend who blabbed.

Monday, February 13, 2006

is (her hiring frenzy) about catherine zeta jones and michael douglas?

Dear Jessica,

Not them, although they certainly have much collaboration in and out of the bedroom. Think of a twosome with less time under their belts. And less proof of productivity too.

Monday, February 13, 2006


Harrison and Calista cling to love?

Dear Melissa,

Not quite that much of an age discrepancy. And while Harrison’s drunk and disorderlies certainly qualify as titillating entertainment, they certainly don’t have the scandal quotient you’re looking for from the couple in question.

Monday, February 13, 2006

I read on a site online that Josh Duhamel and Fergie had a very public fight at an NBA all star party. Is this true? They said that Josh didn't go to the Daytona 500 where Fergie performed the national anthem and stayed in Houston by himself. But then on EXTRA I saw Josh at the Daytona 500 gushing over Fergie , and she was gushing over him. Then I saw pics of them later in the day at the NBA All star game all cozy on gettyimages, also pics of Josh going into the Daytona 500. So did they have some kind of public fight but the gossip site got the details wrong?

Dear Beth,

I'd say there are definitely signs of tension. In more ways than one. But any reports of them not getting along during All Star Weekend were grossly exaggerated. He's still blind and he's still committed…although something tells me he's hard up for a little more than what he's been getting lately.

Sunday, February 26, 2006


is Disrespecting Your Elders Russell Crowe?? He has a big ego, has a band and would therefore appreciate the guitar pick.

Dear Alejandra:

Very close, in more ways than one. Except that rude boy has actually sold record or two, unlike Russell who probably couldn't give his grunting sh*t away for free.

Sunday, February 26, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Holy Goddess! Did I ever hear from some of you Joaquin fans out there! Apparently I’m not the only one coveting a spot beside him in bed. Phoenix lovers – please breathe easy. Joaquin is NOT the subject of “disrespecting your elders”. My boyfriend has issues but stomping on Keith Richards’ guitar pick is NOT one of them. In fact, the only thing these two have in common are a visit to rehab. Focus on someone who spends more time on his hair. Someone who would actually attend an INDUSTRY party. And don’t ever doubt the manners of my one true love again.

Miss Thing has been hitting the sauce. Hard. And when she's intoxicated, she's even more lascivious than usual. Same sex propositions are not uncommon except there are usually no takers. Not surprising all things considered.

The consequences of overboozing? Trust me, you've ALL seen it. And while the evidence hasn't hurt her professionally, it looks like her thirst for Absolut is affecting her relationship. Poor guy is hardly getting any action anymore. And I'm not talking in the sack, I'm talking in the mouth. Suspended activity in the back of a limo, unfinished business because someone fell asleep, passed right out while literally getting down.

Needless to say, he wasn't impressed. Which is why he was so uncharacteristically loquacious (my friend Ammie's favourite 'teacher' word) with the boys and the not-so-close boys the next day. Damn. This girl gets more disgusting by the day.

Don't bother with:

Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, or Kimberly Stewart

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Update (7/11/08):
denial 1: Tara Reid, Paris Hilton & Kimberly Stewart
denial 2: Avril Lavigne
denial 3: Cameron Diaz

More about Fergie & Josh Duhamel
There's hope
Drugs, drugs everywhere



Is she can't finish your favorite man-girl Cameron Diaz?

Dear Nanci,

I wish! However, Cameron's pretty game when it comes to burping, sucking, and fellating. She also doesn't have a drinking problem which is the issue plaguing our unfortunate hunk and his skanky lush.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

No one has everything. Even when they seem like they do, there's always something missing. And she's no exception. While her relationship might be mismatched, to say the least, their love appears to be real. Professional success, family support, careers that cross… these two have managed to pull it together and they couldn’t be happier. Except that the thing they want the most has eluded them. The longer it takes, the more she fears that the very personal and very controversial decisions and the discards and the rejections she made while young and ambitious are coming back to haunt her. The problem is - he doesn't know. And since the people who DO know from back in the day are whispering so loudly of late, she's desperate to buy their silence. She's offering money and she's offering jobs. She's calling in favours, she's pulling strings, and she's raising eyebrows. All of a sudden, her projects are completely staffed by those who need to keep her confidence. Which means she's having to answer his questions on that front as well. Poor thing is apparently so stressed out about having to keep all these secrets that she isn't getting much sleep, made worse by the fact that she has to play happy and content all day long. With any luck though, all this will change soon. After all, it's not like they haven't been trying.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Update (7/18/08):
Denial 1: Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas

Denial 2: Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford




Is the mystery couple you describe in Her Hiring Frenzy Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford? I heard on the news today that they were having trouble trying to get pregnant.

Dear Angela,

I can see why you'd guess that way. But it's not them. Less of a grandpa, more of a superstah! And definitely someone more meaty. MUCH more.

Sunday, February 26, 2006


Me and the girls love, love, love your column. Doesn’t matter if you hate the celebs we love or love the celebs we hate…it gets us through the day, ya know? So as a woman that lives and breathes country music…I thought I’d defend our Keith. I can’t believe Cowtown hasn’t said anything! I get what you’re saying with the lips, girly highlights, and maybe gaybe status…but if you saw this guy in person or sat through one of concerts you would change your mind, I swear. He is hawt, hawt, HAWT. Maybe it’s the accent…or the way he plays guitar…but I’d find my way on his tour bus after a show…know what I’m sayin’? We’d be willing to send you the Live DVD to prove it to you. Want it?

Dear Danya,

Ok. Send it to me. I'll keep my mind and even my thighs open. But don't expect miracles. I'm a fickle bitch. And it takes a lot to get me past little men who spend more time coiffing than I do.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I can’t help but think of one person when you tell the sad story of clinging to love – is it Reese Witherspoon?

Dear Suzanne,

Definitely not. There may be problems underneath the Witherspoon smile, but Reese was married under more auspicious circumstances while these two only have bad karma floating around their bed.

Sunday, February 26, 2006


I just wanted to try and give you a guess on the 'Disrespecting Your Elders' clue. Is it Kanye West?? He is pretty damn full of himself so I wouldn't be surprised at all if he would do something stupid like that. I mean confidence is good but he is just too much. I love his music but cannot stand watching interviews with him.

Dear Nadia,

Wrong genre, right industry, equally challenged in the height department.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Colin Farrell...rehab, hair obsession.. only thing I'm not to sure about is whether he would actually attend an industry party....

Dear Jenifer,

He would definitely attend an industry party, but Colin's not your man. Think equally horny and equally oily but much more salon-styled.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Huge egos are not rare in showbiz. But few egos are bigger than his. Perhaps the personal and professional victories are starting to swell his head. Whatever the case, his behaviour is starting to raise eyebrows.

At an industry event last week, major players in attendance, old and new, veterans of the game and newcomers too, he was given a gift, presented to him by a recognized and very well respected elder in the business. It was supposed to be an honour, a guitar pick used by a living legend. But instead of treasuring it like anyone else would have, would you believe he flicked it on the ground and crushed it beneath his shoe??? The room was shocked into stillness. No wonder people find it so hard to believe he’s turned a new leaf. Clearly, he hasn’t.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Update (7/18/08):
Denial 1: Joaquin Phoenix & Keith Richards
Denial 2: Russell Crowe
Denial 3: Kanye West
Denial 4: Colin Farrell
Denial 5: Robert Downey Jr
reveal (in The Non-Marital Bed)


My money's on Robert Downey Junior (for disrespecting your elders).

Dear Ramona,

Aside from the trip to rehab, these 2 have nothing in common. Does RDJ even know how to play guitar???

Sunday, February 26, 2006



Believe me, you ALL know her. The good news is she's working. But the poor thing is bitter. Bitter that she was born 10 years too early, unable to capitalise on a Hollywood that is now run by young, wild things. On the set recently, got a call from her agent. Bad news - an opportunity lost, a small role she desperately wanted. She ran back to her the trailer, screaming profanities on her cell phone that even I feel uncomfortable repeating. In between the cussing, there were echoes of Nancy Kerrigan. 'Why??? Why??? Why couldn't this have happened 10 years ago. It's not fair!!!'

And unfortunately her day went from bad to worse. Technical changes pre-empted her scene and she was forced to wait just a wee bit longer before getting to work. But reserve your sympathy for the PA who had to tell her and who got an earful of 'How dare you f*cking treat me like this' before having the door slammed in her face. She then proceeded to sulk for the next hour and refused to come back to the set until a producer arrived and ass-kissed for an eternity before cajoling her out of her trailer. And you wonder why she never really made it beyond B???

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Update (5/9/08):
clue 1
clue 2
clue 3


"Cheap & Crafty," it's not...

Dear Gossips,

How could you?

My Gwyneth is absolutely NOT Cheap & Crafty. Please! Gwynnie is the queen of thank you notes: at the tender age of 3, Apple Martin already has her own monogrammed stationary so no, no, no…my Gwyneth would never stinge out her staff. She would however do the complete and nauseating opposite. Which would be to tip and treat them so well and throw it back into the faces of all her friends who can’t match her generosity. This is how Gwyneth makes people feel small, like don’t you know?

C&C is also not Hilary Swank who has no children and despite coldly selling out her ex-husband is actually known to be quite lovely to the small people, having been one herself not too long ago, though if I have to hear that story about living in her mother’s car one more time…

Anything for attention


Oh she's a famewhore, alright. One of the best. She loves the spotlight, she fights for the spotlight, and she will likely only stay in the spotlight if she keeps up her attention seeking antics, which run the gamut from a very active sex life to legal entanglements to professional feuds and now, it seems we've even added enhancements to the list. As in nipple enhancements. As in nipple injections. Look, I didn't even know til just recently that you could even do that. I also didn't know, as cynical as I am about Hollywood, that it's actually more common than you think. Actresses get their cherries shot up so that their nubbins will perk up, resulting in major protrusion that lasts several weeks, visible right through their shirts, visible on tv, visible on film, and ensuring that All.Eyes.Are.On.Them.

Now back to the famewhore. She's had 'em done. She's thrilled with them. Except that no one really noticed. Which means she'll be doing her best to show them off everywhere. Stay tuned.

Don't bother with:

Jennifer Aniston

Jessica Simpson

Britney Spears

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Update (3/17/08):

Denial 1: Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson & Britney Spears
Denial 2: Pamela Anderson
Denial 3: Kate Moss
Denial 4: Sienna Miller
Denial 5: Kirsten Dunst
Denial 6: Anna Nicole Smith
Denial 7: Tara Reid
Denial 8: Kate Bosworth


In spite of myself, I feel almost bad about this one. Almost. But not quite.

She risked so much for love. She gave up a LOT. Pride, respect, dignity, professional reputation - you name it, she lost it and she's losing it. But for a while there, it was worth the sacrifice. They were happy. Until just before the holidays when she noticed an unmistakeable chill. At first she thought it was the stress of being apart, on different film sets. But then he came home and it got worse. A familiar pattern it seems. He was losing interest and she became more desperate to regain his attention. First it was the phone calls and that escalated to extreme clingyness…to the point where he had to tell her to back off. So recently, she started self medicating. Sleeping pills, uppers, weed, alcohol - the consumption is rising and people are getting worried. Because it's affecting her professionally. A few late calls, delayed shoots, fumbled lines. People are starting to talk. Which is why a couple of concerned friends asked him to intervene, to help turn her around. And you know what he said? Her soulmate, her partner, the love of her life??? 'I don't have time right now. I'll get to it when I have the chance.' It took 4 days for him to show up and his arrival immediately turned her around. But those close to her are not impressed. And they think the longer she stays with him, the more dangerous things will get.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Still clinging to love


You remember her, don’t you? Clinging to love?

Well I hear the situation hasn’t improved. She now believes the only way she’ll keep him is if she gives him a baby. And they’ve been trying their best with no results. Which is why she’s now visiting fertility specialists, popping vitamins, doing whatever it takes to improve her chances. But the longer it takes, the more frantic she is that he’ll leave her. Sick with worry, sick with insecurity, the girl is STRESSED out, which really can’t be helping things at all.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Update (9/21/11):
Denial 1: Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas, Madonna & Guy Ritchie, Will Smith & Jada Pinkett-Smith

Denial 2: Kate Bosworth & Orlando Bloom
Denial 3: Sean Penn & Robin Wright Penn
Denial 4: Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony
Denial 5: Julia Roberts
Denial 6: Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck
Denial 7: Matthew Broderick & Sarah Jessica Parker
Denial 8: Rebecca Romijn & Jerry O'Connell
Denial 9: Catherine Zeta Jones & Michael Douglas
Denial 10: Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher
Denial 11: Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams
Denial 12: Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze Jr
Denial 13: Cameron Diaz & Justin Timberlake
Denial 14: Harrison Ford & Calista Flockheart
Denial 15: Reese Witherspoon
Denial 16: Halle Berry
Reveal 1
Reveal 2

Reveal 3


OK so maybe she's got some oversun issues…but come on. At 43??? Is this fair? This is NOT fair. And I think I'm going to have to reverse my previous position on leather pants. Leather skinnies on supermodels = high classy and hot. Baggy leather pants on Sharon Stone = low classy and desperate.

But back to my original point. Elle Macpherson is a frickin' goddess and sure, I suppose if I looked like this, I'd probably make my own love rules too. Lucky bitch.

Thursday, May 04, 2006


Before I get into the details, I'm sorry if I haven't answered your blind item guesses directly. I'll try to address as many of them as I can in the Monday Mailbag sessions.

She's renowned for her beauty and revered for her body and even though she's probably past her prime, it doesn't mean she's still not a hot piece of ass. Single these days too. Too bad she's been known to go off the deep end. And I guess it's true what they say about beautiful women having a hard time finding men. Because I hear she's desperate and she's resorting to some aggressive, risky tactics. At a recent party, hobnobbing with the socialite crowd, our girl arrives solo and scopes out the potential. She has her eye on a nice, distinguished-looking gentleman who happens to have a wife. The wife is there. She is a lovely woman and she leaves her husband's side for a moment to chat with a few other rich wives in a different room.

That's when our lady moves in for the kill. She sits down beside him, leans over, pushes her tits together, and starts chatting. Within five minutes she's literally trying to climb into his lap. Literally. Naturally, if his wife wasn't around, he would have bagged that sh*t in the bathroom ASAP. Unfortunately, his wife WAS around. And when she returned to find a long, lean, tan body draped around her husband, she hit the roof. Foaming at the mouth, shaking with rage, in front of several witnesses, the Mrs - in a very regal, high society way - lay a verbal smackdown on the superhussy that would make even my mother look up from the mahjong table. Strangest thing though. Getting caught had almost no effect on our bombshell. She just shrugged her shoulders, mumbled 'sorry', and sashayed away… quickly finding a new target and engrossing herself in him and on him and around him for the rest of the night.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Update (7/18/08):
Denial 1: Sharon Stone, Naomi Campbell & Teri Hatcher
Denial 2: Pam Anderson
Denial 3: Jamie Lee Curtis
Denial 4: Halle Berry

Denial 5: Nicolette Sheridan

Denial 6: Jane Fonda

Denial 7: Sean Young & Kim Basinger
Denial 8: Christie Brinkley

Denial 9: Uma Thurman

Denial 10: Kim Cattrall

Denial 11: Elizabeth Hurley

Denial 12: Tyra Banks

Denial 13: Geena Davis

reveal 1
reveal 2