"Take Coke for the Pain" guess


Sheryl Crow inexplicably decided to shoot her mouth off recently about her friendship with Jennifer Aniston, insisting that neither of them were the “dumpees” in their respective high profile relationships:

“For both of us, the perceived idea is that, in our big relationships, we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true. Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. No one ever knows what goes on in relationships.

Unfortunately, for some people like Jennifer and me, so much is written about things that you don’t say, and so many emotions are attributed to you that you haven’t had.”

As you would expect, Sheryl’s remarks resulted in more attention paid to someone else – Aniston – rather than herself. Which is dumb. Why give an interview if only to redirection attention?

And why throw a pity party if no pity was required?

Why allow that slag Leslei Bennetts to portray her as a teary-eyed victim, whipping the MiniVan Majority into a solidarity frenzy against the most beautiful woman in the world? If her friend Sheryl is now playing the “I’m a strong woman, burn my bra” card on her behalf, why didn’t she do it herself when the triangle first formed? Why scream at the ocean for Vanity Fair? Why permit her friends to paint the picture of a wounded faun, fragile but forgiving, brave but bruised? Why not just pull out the bra from the very beginning – the relationship wasn’t right for me. So I decided to leave.


Because Jennifer Aniston is a fraud. We know this. We also know that these days it’s a new Jen she’s selling. A better Jen. A Jen I could consider buying. Jen the healthy. Jen the hopefully blow-free. Jen the strong single looking for love but not begging for love.

Jen with bangs!

Jen has the best hair ever. Seen here on set with Owen Wilson in Miami. Part Heather Locklear, part Linda Evans… and on Jennifer Aniston, it works. Any hair works.

Friday, March 07, 2008 at 9:46 AM

"The Wrong Colour, the Wrong Number," it's not...

Friday, March 07, 2008
PS. Wrong Girl is not Cher or Kelly Clarkson or Jennifer Hudson.

"The Wrong Colour, the Wrong Number," it's not...

Thursday, March 06, 2008
PS. This is not Paula Abdul. Or Toni Braxton.

"The Wrong Colour, the Wrong Number," it's not...

Wednesday, March 05, 2008
PPS. Mary J Blige does not require a skinny mirror. Neither does Bette Midler.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
PS. Demanding bitchboy is not Tom Brady, Justin Timberlake, or Jake Gyllenhaal.

"Boys Are Bitches too," it's not...

Tuesday, March 04, 2008
PPPS. Matthew McConaughey is not a primadonna boy bitch. Neither is Leonardo DiCaprio.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
PPS. Beyonce and Rihanna did not complain about the Rolls in the wrong colour.

Boys Are Bitches too!


And not just the gay ones.

He is happily attached but his entire persona pre-commitment was based on the fact that he was just a dude. An immature funloving dude. An un-Hollywood dude who routinely pointed out the Hollywood hypocrisy of many other Hollywood dudes and douchebags.

Now he’s a big star in an A List relationship. Which of course gives him the right to act like a self important little big twat. But how f&cking spiritual is this?

Photo shoot this weekend for a gadget company he endorses. He too pulls out the primadonna moves:

Shows up 3 hours late. And again – don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t even sneeze in my direction, and yes… it was made clear that he preferred to be alone with the photographer between frames, necessitating a run and gun scramble from the crew, meaning the photographer would have to holler for help in a different room every time an adjustment needed to be made.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine verbalising that order? Don’t look at me and don’t talk to me? When did that become ok?

Word is this is not unusual. It’s actually standard procedure where he’s concerned. On another occasion, he was particularly demanding when it came to his favourite tea, steeped for exactly 6 minutes, always needs to be piping hot even if he doesn’t touch it, can’t be microwaved, and he doesn’t like boiled tap water either. He wanted boiled bottled water. A special brand.
It never, ever stops. And it’s even worse when he’s with her. Apparently her makeup brushes have to be cleaned in special water too.

Monday, March 03, 2008 at 1:54 PM

Update (7/8/08):
denial 1: Matthew McConaughey & Leonardo DiCaprio
denial 2: Tom Brady, Justin Timberlake & Jake Gyllenhaal
reveal 1
reveal 2


Let me save you some work: not Mimi, Whitney, Janet, Madonna, or Lopez

Monday, March 03, 2008 at 11:14 AM



It’s officially an epidemic – celebrities walking around intoxicated by their own ridiculous sense of entitlement, unleashing a steady stream of bad behaviour for which my Chinese squawking chicken mother would have me flogged if I ever dared to emulate.

For some people however fame excuses the need for good manners. For this girl who is NOT the “no looking” one from last week, fame excuses the need to be appreciative and grateful and shameful.

So she’s promoting a new project, is making the rounds. Gets picked up in a very very high end luxury car. Like super luxury. It pulls up to pick her up and she refuses to get in because “she doesn’t like the colour”. It’s too bright. She doesn’t “do that colour”.

After half an hour she’s finally coaxed inside. Then she throws another fit because there are 5 water bottles inside the car. Odd numbers. She doesn’t like odd numbers. She specifically requested even numbers. Near meltdown ensues.

Next stop – her dressing room on a show where she’s scheduled to perform. Her people apparently requested “skinny mirrors’. Skinny mirrors were not ordered. Regular mirrors were ordered. She takes one look at herself and threatens to walk. She is placated by the promise of a one week resort stay in the Caribbean. And I haven’t even bothered to share the details of her catering complaints: not enough sashimi, not enough champagne, sandwiches were too soggy, and on and on and on.

Someone needs to invent The Slapper. The Slapper needs to slap this bitch hard.

Let me save you some work: not Mimi, Whitney, Janet, Madonna, or Lopez

Monday, March 03, 2008 at 11:14 AM

Update (7/21/08):
denial 1: Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, Madonna & Jennifer Lopez
denial 2: Beyonce & Rihanna
denial 3: Mary J Blige & Bette Midler
denial 4: Paula Abdul & Toni Braxton
denial 5: Cher, Kelly Clarkson & Jennifer Hudson
denial 6: Carrie Underwood
denial 7: Avril Lavigne
denial 8: Scarlett Johansson
denial 9: Celine Dion
denial 10: Jordin Sparks

Monday, March 03, 2008
PS. Carrie Underwood is a total bitch, yes. But she’s not this total bitch who actually isn't alone. A dude has now joined the No Talking Club. More on that later.

"Ethics in plastic surgery" revealed


I now realize that the cackle I kept hearing yesterday was coming from Janice Min and the clever folks at US Weekly. Nevermind that they f&cked up Jennifer Garner’s due date! Never mind that they were frauded by the fake Brad Pitt last Spring and have chosen to conveniently forget about April Florio! In the face of too many Simpson denials, US Weekly has found vindication and at this point - is anyone really surprised? As you must all know by now, Nick and Jessica released a joint statement to US Weekly last night that they have separated. We have all been asked to respect their privacy and sympathise with them during this difficult time, which is kinda funny because something tells me Nick isn’t exactly grieving this Thanksgiving, if you know what I mean.

As I reported last month, the push to see this over and done with came from Nick. He’s been fed up with her sh*t for months. And, ever mindful of the importance of timing in Hollywood, it’s actually a better career move for him right now to be single and available and no longer attached to that big mouth and her insufferable father. Even as we speak, I hear that Team Lachey is repackaging their product and you can expect a new player on the scene in the coming months - complete with wet and wild club visits, flanked by a new posse of p*ssy hunters, and perhaps even a high profile fling with a member of the Hollywood Slut Brigade, just to throw some Jackass back in Jessie’s face.

Unfortunately for Jessica, things aren’t looking so swell. A large majority of her fan base remains mired in the illusion that she is still a sweet girl, happily married and devoted to her husband, which in turn made her sexy as opposed to slutty, unlike her blonde Hollywood counterparts. Hard to believe for you and me…but if you recall my encounter with those 2 hockey whores a few weeks ago, there are many, many people out there who piddle around in kindergarten level gossip and cannot see through the fraud. Now that her marriage has crumbled, after so many denials, even the most hardcore Simpson supporters will be hardpressed to deny what has been hinted at for the past year. The “happy”, the trailer activity with Johnny Knoxville, the finger action with Cacee and other big lipped Hollwood starlets (ahhh…is there a blind item in there??) – tell me, who is coming out of this relationship on the loser end?

According to my sources, the Simpsons desperately tried to hold on to this marriage for as long as they could because when you think about it – if she’s single, what really sets her apart from Paris and Lindsay and Hilary and every other two bit crack ho running around town? The market is saturated with sluts and if she really wants to chart her own course, her father has some serious work ahead of him. Which is why poor Jessie is currently hunkered down in Waco strategizing her next move. And let’s pray they can come up with something more imaginative this time. Enough with the sugar sweet kisses and dessert bullsh*t. If you ask me, I’d totally fire her creepy dad and push for an immediate public hook up with Johnny Knoxville. It’s bold, it will keep both of them in the tabloids for weeks, and while it will certainly turn off the judgmental, right wing, paranoid, housewives of middle America, it will also serve as an announcement that this is a strong, sensual, passionate woman who wants what she wants and gets what she wants. Bring out your inner whore, Jessica. We can’t wait to see the real you.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Another Canadian committing fashion crimes in Hollywood. What the frick is going on? Has Shania Twain infected them all??? I’m all over extensions when they’re well done. In fact, if I didn’t have to deal with donors and clients, I’d get myself a Mischa Barton weave and go rank at da club. Elisha’s ghetto locks however leave much to be desired. I don’t understand why the top is straight and the bottom half is all kinky. In fact, why even bother going to a swanky cancer benefit and putting on an expensive dress to get photographed when you can barely lift your finger to make the effort? I don’t get it.

I also don’t get why she’s dating that moron Sean Avery. For those of you who don’t follow hockey, he plays for the LA Kings and according to many players in the league, he’s a redneck bigot. (is that redundant???) We’re not even at the halfway mark of the season yet and he’s managed to piss off French Canadians and blacks. Quite a charmer, non? And it begs the question…what the hell is she doing with him???

Thursday, December 15, 2005


Curious on your take on Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. I have to admit to loving SMG's diva-in-training self once upon a time. I even somewhat liked her hookup with FPJ since she managed to snag him when he was at his peak, and she appeared to clearly run that relationship. But now, it's years later, he's a laughingstock, and she doesn't seem to have wised up and dumped his untalented ass. Please tell me things aren't as sweet as they appear with these two? They've gotta be on the verge of calling it quits, right? Is there any gossip on these two?

Dear Sarah,

Are things sweet? Hmmmm…I'd say they're sweeter than they were a few months ago. As for him being a laughingstock - if you mean the spectacular failure that is now his acting career then yes, I'd have to agree. But from what I understand, he's a pretty talented writer and I wouldn't count him out in that department quite yet. He also loves his wife, despite her ambitious, dangerous flaws and to be honest, if anyone needs wising up in this relationship, it's probably him. Love is blind, non?

Monday, March 13, 2006

I was wondering if 'clinging to love' is Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr?

Dear Maureen,

While your smutty instincts are definitely onto something, your direction is a bit off. Sarah and Freddie may have their own illicit pleasures, but when it comes to their love it is legit…for now.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006